Losing Yourself in Motherhood: Where Did She Go?
I read something once about flamingos losing their pink color while caring for their babies. Their bodies use so much energy feeding and protecting their chicks that their color fades. Eventually, when they’re no longer in that constant mode of giving, the color comes back.
The Slow Fade
Motherhood shifts your identity in ways no one explains clearly. At first, it feels like small things: skipping a workout, putting off a haircut, listening to kid songs instead of your own playlists. Then one day, you realize your favorite things are collecting dust, your phone calls are always cut short, and your name feels like it’s been replaced by “Mama” entirely.
No one told me how easy it would be to disappear into the role. It wasn’t some dramatic change. It was slow. Practical. And it made sense in the moment. You do what needs to be done. You make sure everyone else is fed, clean, dressed, and safe. But somewhere along the way, you stop asking what you need.
It’s the part of losing yourself in motherhood that doesn’t get talked about enough. It’s not one big moment or sudden breakdown, but a series of small shifts that slowly pile up.
The Mental Load You Can’t Put Down
The physical demands of motherhood are one thing. The mental load is something else entirely. It’s the constant running list in your head. You’re holding so many details for everyone in the house that there’s no room left to hold space for yourself.
Even when there’s a quiet moment, your mind doesn’t stop. It’s always scanning for what’s next. What needs restocking, what slipped your mind, what’s still waiting to be finished.
You can be surrounded by people all day and still feel like no one really sees you.
Missing Yourself Without Guilt
I love being a mom. I love my kids. That’s never the issue. The part that’s hard to explain is how you can love your life and still feel like a part of you is missing.
You miss having a quiet moment to think. Getting ready without rushing feels like a luxury. And some days, you just want space to move through the day without being needed every five minutes.
It’s not about going back to how things were. That version of me isn’t coming back, and I don’t want her to. I’ve changed. Learned a few things. Grown in ways I didn’t expect. But I don’t want to lose myself in the process. I want to carry the best parts of who I was into the person I’m still becoming.
Starting Small Again
For a long time, I thought I needed a full day off or a weekend away to feel like myself again. But those big breaks don’t happen often. What I’ve started doing instead is looking for small chances to take up space again.
Lately, I’ve been finding small ways to feel like myself again. I turn on music I actually enjoy, take a few quiet sips of coffee before the day takes over, skip things that leave me drained, and do little things for myself that have nothing to do with chores or schedules.
It doesn’t solve everything, but it helps me feel like myself again. I haven’t disappeared. I’ve just been pulled in more directions than I saw coming.
Sometimes, the only break you get is going to the bathroom. And even then, it’s not always yours. There are moments when you’re sitting there with a toddler on your lap, trying to finish quickly while they’re watching Ms. Rachel on your phone. It’s the kind of multitasking that becomes normal even when it shouldn’t be.
Rebuilding a Sense of Self
There’s pressure to “bounce back,” but I’ve stopped chasing that. I’m not trying to bounce back. I want to rebuild slowly and with intention. I’m making space for the things that matter to me and showing my kids that being a good mom doesn’t mean losing who you are. It’s possible to care for others and still have a sense of who you are.
The flamingo’s color returns when she’s no longer giving every ounce of herself to survival. That doesn’t mean she stopped caring. It means she finally had space again. And that’s what I’m working toward. Not escaping. Not walking away. Just building space inside the life I have now.
It might take a while, but losing yourself in motherhood doesn’t mean you’re gone forever. It means it’s time to rebuild from where you are now.
You’re Still Here...
If you’ve been feeling off, it’s valid. If you’ve been missing who you were, you’re not the only one. Losing yourself in motherhood can feel like disappearing into the background of your own life. But there’s nothing wrong with needing more. You don’t have to explain it or justify it. You’re allowed to want to feel like a person again.
You haven’t failed. You haven’t disappeared. You’ve been showing up every day in a way that takes real strength. And now it’s okay to start showing up for yourself, too.
You’re still here. And the parts of you that feel far away? They’re not gone. They’ve been waiting.
Mommy Ces
Mom of three, figuring things out one day at a time. I write about the real parts of motherhood, the messy days, the little wins, and all the in-betweens that don’t always make it to Instagram. This space is a mix of stories, reflections, and reminders that you're not alone.
