Gentle Parenting vs the “Kurot” Culture We Grew Up With
When I first heard about gentle parenting, I thought, “Okay, maybe this will help me stop yelling so much.” I imagined calm mornings, gentle voices, and toddlers somehow knowing how to handle their emotions like little adults. You know, the fantasy version of parenting.
But here’s the thing. It’s hard to parent gently when you were raised in a house where kurot (pinch), sampal (slap), and mata pa lang alam mo na (one look and you already know you’re in trouble) were the main parenting tools.
It hit me when my daughter threw a marker at her brother, and my first instinct was to yell, “Anong klaseng ugali yan?” (What kind of behavior is that?) Then I stopped mid-sentence and realized I was channeling my mom. The same mom who didn’t even have to say much. One sharp tone or raised eyebrow, and you knew you messed up.
I’ve read the posts. I’ve seen the Instagram reels where moms get on eye level, validate feelings, and set firm boundaries with love and logic. And I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried.
But when you were raised being told, “Tumigil ka kung ayaw mong mapalo” (Stop it if you don’t want to get hit), the rewiring doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not just a parenting switch. It’s a healing journey you didn’t even know you needed.
What Gentle Parenting Really Looks Like When You’re Tired and Triggered
Gentle parenting isn’t about letting kids do whatever they want. It’s not about being soft or passive. It’s about treating kids like actual human beings. Helping them name their emotions, holding space for their meltdowns, and setting boundaries without fear.
But when you grew up in a house where crying was seen as disrespect, or talking back (even calmly) was met with “Wag mo akong sasagutin” (Don’t talk back to me), this kind of parenting doesn’t come naturally. Sometimes it even feels wrong.
When Gentle Parenting Feels Like You're Doing It Wrong
Every time I try to pause and breathe instead of reacting, there’s this voice in my head that says, “You’re being too soft. She’ll grow up entitled.” But then the other voice kicks in. The one I’m trying to grow. “You’re teaching her emotional safety. This is what you needed, too.” Some days I listen to the second voice. Other days, I snap, then cry in the bathroom, feeling guilty for how I reacted.
Let’s be honest, a lot of us were raised in homes where respect meant silence. You couldn’t question authority or complain. You followed orders, or you faced the consequences.
Physical, emotional, or both. Gentle parenting flips that. It encourages kids to speak up, question, express their needs, and process emotions in real time. To some titas and lolos, that looks like walang modo (has no manners). To us, it looks like unlearning survival mode.
And when your kid is melting down in front of your relatives and you’re trying to gently validate their feelings, it’s hard not to feel judged. You’re not “in control.” You’re not parenting “the Filipino way.” But deep down, you know you’re doing the hard work, not just of parenting differently, but healing your own stuff in the process. And honestly, that’s even harder than staying calm during a tantrum.
I'm Not a Perfect Mom, But I Try
Let me say it straight. I’m not a perfect mom. I try to be as gentle as I can be. But there are times they really won’t listen. You’ve explained, you’ve lowered your voice, you’ve tried all the calmest ways to reach them. And still, nothing.
I tap their hand when I’ve run out of patience. But that’s it. I try not to be as violent as how I was raised. I don’t want fear to be the reason they behave. But I’m also human. And parenting three kids isn’t exactly a quiet journey.
Trying Counts Too
I still try. Kids should feel safe telling the truth, not scared of how I’ll react. They deserve to grow up feeling secure, not afraid of me. Feeling angry doesn’t make them bad. Emotions aren’t wrong, and it’s okay to feel them.
That doesn’t mean I’ve figured it all out. Not even close. But when I choose to talk instead of yell, when I sit beside them instead of walking away in frustration, that’s a small win.
Things I Tell Myself When I’m About to Lose It
- This is a child. Not a grown adult trying to ruin my day
- You’re allowed to take a break, too
- You’re parenting a human, not a robot
- You’re doing better than before
Final Thoughts (Before Someone Screams Again)
Gentle parenting isn’t easy, especially not for moms who were raised in homes that called crying drama and labeled softness as weakness. But it’s worth trying. Even if you mess up. Even if you don’t do it perfectly. Because every time you choose connection over control, you’re breaking a cycle. One deep breath at a time.
And if you still end the day yelling over spilled drinks and someone biting someone else, same. Let’s try again tomorrow.
Mommy Ces
Mom of three, figuring things out one day at a time. I write about the real parts of motherhood, the messy days, the little wins, and all the in-betweens that don’t always make it to Instagram. This space is a mix of stories, reflections, and reminders that you're not alone.
